Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
