how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
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