i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
