Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
