I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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