nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
