omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
