I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
