i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
