we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
