i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
