Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
