So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
