So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize