I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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