Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
