I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
