those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
