Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
