she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
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Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
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Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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