I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
