whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
