last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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