I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
