can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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