Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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