Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
