i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
