Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
