How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
