I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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