If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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