I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
