Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
