my room smells like sperm. sweet.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
