come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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