I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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