Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
