if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
