He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
