I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
