So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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