My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if only i could text you this smell
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
