I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
