What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
