I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
please come you make the beer taste better
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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