if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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