I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
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I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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