He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
