I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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