Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
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I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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