you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I checked into jail on foursquare
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
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I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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