Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
