I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
