her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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