I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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