On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
