the condom got lost in my hair
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
